The wardrobe of selves

I am a carer. I wear that version of myself every day. But it is not the only outfit I have in my 'wardrobe of selves' and sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

You wouldn’t go to a restaurant in your pyjamas. You wouldn’t curl up in front of the fire with a good book and a cup of tea in your hiking boots and cagoule.

We are all more than one version of ourselves. As humans, we choose the self that suits the situation, and we are different selves with different people . There is the self that laughs till she cries with her girlfriends, the self that puts on a brave face to greet the world, the self that compassionately cares for her husband, the self that presents a professional front for her work colleagues, the self that walks alone and lonely through long trying days - and of course there is the deep and hidden self that we rarely share with anyone at all. Each is a part of the whole.

But the longer we are in a caring role, the harder it becomes to keep a connection with all those other versions of self, all those other outfits, and the easier it is just to bump along in the carer role which can quickly become all-consuming and become the outfit we always wear, whatever the situation. We begin to lose our self confidence, our self-esteem, our self-worth, our sense of identity. This can lead to low mood and depression.

Review your wardrobe

Ringing the changes is vital. We can do it visibly by actually changing what we are wearing, making that effort, that outward statement, or we can simply try to create a sense of shift in the day. Maybe set aside some time to be your quiet self or your playful self or your adult independent self. Notice how that feels, how you respond to yourself and to others. Make time over time to re-familiarise yourself with more and more of your wardrobe. Friends and family can help, if you let them know what you are trying to do - they can encourage you, remind you, reflect back to you what they see or how they remember you being as you try to recreate a long-lost version of yourself.

Friends and family can help.

Wearing your carer's 'outfit' does not define you. It is an important and valued and valuable part of you, but only a part. Make a list of all your 'outfits' - the versions of you, all the ways you like to be, given the chance, the facets of your personality and the activities and places and people who go along with these. Which are the most frequent outfits that you wear? Which do you wish you could wear more often? How might you make that happen? And when? Who or what could help? Make a plan. Put a date in the dairy. Reflect on the experience afterwards and try to make time in the months ahead to reconnect with some of your favourite items in your wardrobe of selves.

Your carer's outfit does not define you.